So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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