Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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