I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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