I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
