I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
