I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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