Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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