good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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