Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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