areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I need to stop coming to work sober
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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