I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
