Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
