her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
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we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
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Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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