I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
