things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
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Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
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I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
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