There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito