Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
