Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
