I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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