I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
