Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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