How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
