You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
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Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
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So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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