apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
The uberlube is also flammable
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
