Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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