I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
