i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
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