she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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