Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
