i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
