I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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