I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
