No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
