Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
