my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
