I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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