Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
