I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
