No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
