I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
