I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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