Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I need to calm my uterus...
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
