this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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