I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
