i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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