I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
