Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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