why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
