i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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