Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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