happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
