so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
