i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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