You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
