you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Let's get the cat blown out
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
