I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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