I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
