so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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