Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
The ass gains better be worth it
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